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25. He wears a mullet to the Olive Garden:

24. He thinks his name is weird:

23. He can do a one-armed pull-up:

22. He hates the word “epic”:

21. He recites the lyrics to “Hollaback Girl” when he needs to spell “banana”:

20. He realizes that he’s basically ageless:

19. Sometimes he replaces the names of movies and TV shows he’s been in with the word “vagina”:

18. His idea of a perfect Friday night is a Parking Wars marathon:

17. He also loves the show Bachelorette:

16. And Dance Moms:

15. Also Honey Boo Boo:

14. His mom sometimes cries when she eats hot dogs:

13. He likes fried chicken:

12. He has had a deep love for space sandwiches ever since he was 11:

11. He has a hairless rat:

10. Chumbawamba makes him happy:

9. He doesn’t like concerts unless it’s Boyz II Men:

8. He doesn’t like working out till he pukes:

7. He hates ketchup and eggs; as president he would ban it:

6. He believes in the war on Christmas:

5. He had a “mini stroke”:

4. He can’t really sit Indian style:

3. He had the swine flu:

2. Love Actually makes him cry:

1. And he witnessed a human being getting a tattoo of his signature:

BONUS: The Malcolm in the Middle house doesn’t exist.

🙁